Seeing You As You Are
by Chibi Zia
Summary: Sequel to Seeing is Understanding. Everyone else leaves, but Takao stays behind and tries to get some explanations out of Kai. Introspective piece on the Takao&Kai friendship. Also, Kai still forgets to put on a shirt.


It takes hours before they leave and when they do, Kai is rather certain he's on the verge of passing out.

He knows the only reason he hasn't yet is because of his own stubborn streak. He's come close enough to passing out in front of them after the match with Brooklyn; he's not about to do it for real when he's done nothing all day but suffer his own wounds. It's a matter of pride.

It's always a matter of pride.

Kai nods to them as they leave; unsure exactly who leaves first -- his vision in his one non-bandaged eye was at best blurry when they came _in_. By now, he can barely make out general shapes and colours. Kai has been relying on sound for most of their visit. At this point, he is really glad to see them leaving. It's not that he minds their caring, but... Is it considered licking your own wounds if you were the victor of the battle? Even if it isn't, it's what Kai needs to do. Pick himself up, so to speak.

And even though he cares for them, he can't quite do it while being stared at like he might just break if they breathe wrong. No matter how much Kai being on the verge of breaking is true, at least physically.

Kai waits for the sound of the door closing before letting himself fall back on his futon with a groan, closing his eye to try and just, well, _breathe_. It comes out in short, ragged breaths, and Kai dimly regrets never buying painkillers. The cat mewls plaintively from the kitchen. Kai resists the urge to groan. It's not the cat's fault she has bad timing, after all.

"Give me a second, beautiful," he murmurs in Russian, his voice still incredibly rough no matter how softly he speaks. "Just wait until I can start breathing again."

He doesn't really expect an answer, of course -- as much as Kai is fond of cats or any other animal, it's distinctly not for their admirable conversational skills. He'd rather not have anything to do with things that can talk on most days, honestly. So it comes as a shock when there _is_ an answer.

"Soooo, care to tell me what that means in plain old Japanese, or do I have to call Yuriy for back up?"

Kai sits up in a flash, eyes wide open at the realization that there is still _someone_ in his apartment -- and regrets it abruptly as his cracked ribs protest the sudden movement by making him feel as though they just pierced his lungs. Kai grits his teeth to stop himself for cursing aloud, his sole free hand moving to hold his side by reflex. For a few seconds, Kai can't see anything but pure, blinding white, the pain drowning out any sound.

_I can't do this_, Kai thinks, desperately, but squashes the thought to concentrate on years of training and self-discipline in order to manage to calm himself down. His heart hammers in his chest as the pain lessens slowly, the white fading as his vision comes back to normal. Or, rather, what has been passing for normal right now. He can hear, dimly, the worried shouts of whoever it is who stayed behind. Kai both hopes it is and isn't who he thinks it is.

When he can finally see again, he manages to identify the blob of red, yellow and blue that is without a doubt Takao Kinomiya.

_Of course it'd be Kinomiya_, Kai thinks sardonically, settling on feeling unhappy he was right, _it's always Kinomiya_.

"Dude, you okay?" Takao asks for what is probably the fiftieth time, considering Kai has been in blinding pain for at least a few minutes. "Kai, c'mon, speak to me! Do I need to call an ambulance?"

"I'm _fine_," Kai manages to ground out, moving his arm away from his ribs. Takao throws him a 'right-this-is-my-I-believe-you-face-you-suicidal-idiot' look, and Kai realizes with a jolt he can interpret Kinomiya's looks and actions far too well if he can interpret his look through blurred colours. He looks away from Takao's face to look pointedly at the wall. He hears Takao's annoyed grunt as he does this, and Kai has enough practice not feeling guilty for the things he's done with Takao that he doesn't even react to it. Takao sighs at his silence and Kai continues to stare at the wall.

_Just leave_, Kai thinks, _just pretend I'm fine like the rest of them and __leave_.

But Kinomiya is not, has never _been_ like the rest of them, so of course he doesn't. Kai feels the mattress dip as Takao sits next to him but still doesn't turn to look at him. He doesn't particularly want to look at Takao's face, blurred or not.

"Did you seriously think that I was -- that _we_ were going to let everything go just like that?" Takao asks him. Kai ignores the far too personal start and shrugs, as if unbothered.

Of course he hadn't truly thought they'd forget all about it. He'd hoped, though. He'd wanted them too. Why does it matter if he lives in a shady and extremely bare apartment? What does it matter that he hasn't gone to school since before Yuuya died? Why do they _care _if Kai is broken and bleeding and taking care of it on his own?

And the answer is right there, isn't it? They care. They care, so they worry. They want him to be -- happy. But... being happy shouldn't come with a set of rules to follow. There is no real _guide_ to happiness.

Kai wishes being simply content could be enough.

Takao sighs and Kai knows without having to look that he's leaning back on his hands and staring at the ceiling as he does. It looks like the majority of his normal outrage as left him, and Kai is glad for that. He doesn't really want to be given _another_ speech. Six were enough. They stay in an awkward but companiable silence until Takao finally pipes up:

"You know, when I yelled at you earlier, I totally didn't expect everyone else to get in on it. But everyone did this huge speech on friendship and being there for you... I was just going to yell at you some more, but they kinda beat me to it."

Kai, still staring at the whitish grey blurry shape that is his wall, resists the urge to smile. Takao, undeterred by Kai's silence, continues.

"I'm still a bit peeved _Daichi's _the one who managed to make you react at all, but I guess monkey-boy had a point. I shouldn't expect you to just... open up and tell me everything. That doesn't mean I don't wish you _would_," Takao adds pointedly, "But, that wouldn't be you."

Kai finally turns to look at Takao, his eyebrow furrowed in confusion. If that's true, then why did he stay? Takao notices and, after what Kai is pretty sure is a quick grin as he stops staring at the ceiling, explains:

"Just because I don't expect you to explain stuff doesn't mean that doing it doesn't still make you annoying. I'm still mad at you for not telling us about... any of this, really." Takao pauses and shakes his head, scratching the back of it with one hand. "Aaah, who am I kidding? I just wish you'd tell _me _things. What's going on in your life, stuff you feel, your reasons for doing stuff... Anything at all."

Kai hums in answer, unable to form words as his throat constricts at the idea. Telling his weaknesses to _Takao_, of all people? He doesn't even realize the hold he has on Kai. Through so many things, Takao's often the only one to really understand him. And...

_Since I couldn't be like you, my only option left was to defeat you_, Kai reminisces sadly.

"Kinomiya," Kai murmurs, even though he's not sure what he'll say. But before he can come up with anything, Takao shushes him.

"Don't give me excuses, okay? I know we're rivals -- Kai, you're still the strongest opponent I've ever faced," Takao tells him with a grin. "I know you still want to fight me. I get how much our match means to you, Kai."

Kai thinks, briefly, of a beach surrounded by shooting stars. Of the entire universe aligned before them, of a complete silence as they both stare at a universe that only exists for the both of them, of a feeling of total _peace_ he has never felt before in his life. He thinks of how _right_ the world feels when he is blading against Takao, feeling their connection pulsate through their blade.

_No, _Kai thinks finally, _you don't understand. You can't possible understand. _

It means everything to Kai, and knowing that he will have his fated battle with Takao again makes it worth all the impossible fights with Brooklyn, all the emptiness as he lost, all the pain, all the sacrifices he made. True happiness -- Kai has felt it before, in that one single moment as he stared at Takao's prone form on a beach that doesn't exist, the entire world stopping to exist except for them and this moment.

Kai stays silent. He can't possibly explain this feeling deep inside of him when he blades against Takao to anyone else.

Heck, he can't even explain it to himself.

Takao huffs in aggravation. "Look, I'm not just saying all that stuff for my own benefit, man. At least act as if you're listening!"

"Why are you here?" Kai asks without missing a beat, his head bowed as he looks at the floor pointedly.

"What do you mean?" Takao questions back, bewildered. "I told you before; we came to see you because we were worried about you..."

"I _mean_, why are you still here?" Kai asks again, looking at Takao out of the corner of his eye. Takao looks confused by the question.

It can be interpreted in two ways, of course; the first and most obvious, and probably the way Takao understood it, is why is he still in Kai's apartment after everyone else has left. And, true, it's part of the question. But the real question Kai wishes he had an answer too is why Takao was still here, with _him_, after everything.

A part of him knows it's simply because that's the kind of person Takao is. And he doesn't feel guilty about his so-called betrayals; any of them. He'll admit he hasn't made the best choices, but he is not going to take back anything he has done on the path that has lead him to being who he is. Kai does not, _cannot_ regret his actions. He is living with the consequences of his decisions; all of them, but he will stand by the choices he took. It's as simple as that.

But he doesn't expect anyone _else_ to stand by him through them. He has done so, so many things he has been ostracized for, and even though _he_ is unbothered by the rumors and whispers behind his back or even the chants of 'traitor', it's still something people normally wouldn't accept so readily.

Kai lives with the certainty that Takao Kinomiya (and, likely, the rest of his team, though no one does it quite as readily as Takao) will always accept him, no matter what he does, will always _forgive_ him, even though Kai never asks for it. Even though he knows it will come, again and again, even after cries and tears and yells of outrage, he still doesn't know _why_, or even _how_.

"I don't know," Takao answers after a while, in honesty, shaking Kai out of his reverie and Kai's eyebrow furrows in confusion at that. "But, we're friends, right? Friends trust and help out each other, no matter what."

It's funny, how much that answer can stand for both questions. Kai lets a fleeting smile grace his lips for half a second.

"Yeah," Kai says softly. Takao smiles back, brightly, and Kai can only really tell by the flash of white in his face.

"Oh, right, another thing I wanted to say before you pass out," Takao pipes up, and Kai ignores the comment on his so-called 'KO-ed' status due to the fact that, well, it's true. If he was on the verge of passing out _before_, he's by now pretty much only hanging onto consciousness by a flicker, really. A breeze would probably cripple him.

Luckily, his apartment has only one extremely tiny window far too high up for Kai to bother opening it, especially in his state.

"From now on, if you want to fight me... Just ask, okay? I don't need a crowd to give you my 100%, anytime, anywhere," Takao tells him, and Kai's heart beats in his chest loud enough he's sure Takao himself can hear it, though all his face can manage to show is slight confusion. "I never want us to be on opposite sides again. Kai, I love blading with you. But I don't think I can take you blading _against_ you anymore. We don't need to be enemies, do we?"

Kai doesn't answer for a long while, trying to process this. He's not sure if this is the answer he's looking for. He'd never really been bothered by the idea of being Kinomiya's tag-team partner. But Kai's wish to fight Takao again had been stronger than everything else. He doesn't care for titles or trophies; he never has. All he's ever wanted were strong opponents, and he'd found his strongest match in Takao so long ago. Blading in tournaments against him... nothing really beats that.

"I can't--" Kai starts to say, but Takao interrupts him.

"It's not like we'll have real tournaments anytime soon, right? With the majority of the city destroyed, and the BBA having to rebuild itself all over again... We're going back to the basics, Daitenji-san said. Plain old blader versus blader. So just... me and you, whenever you want. All I want is that you don't leave just so you can blade against me. Man, I'll beg Daitenji-san to make it so that we can have a match teammate versus teammate after big tournaments as a kind of bonus if I have to. So... think about it, please?"

Kai sighs, not needing to see to be able to know that Kinomiya is throwing his best begging look at him. He nods in answer and Takao smiles brightly.

"Thanks, Kai. And, hey, the moment you're healed -- we promised each other a beybattle, didn't we?" Takao asks, and Kai nods again in answer. "Let's just not destroy another part of the city," Takao comments wryly, "I think it's in bad enough shape as it is right now."

"I won't promise you anything," Kai answers, just as wryly, and Takao sighs over-dramatically.

"Guess I shouldn't expect too much out of you." He pauses, then, and says: "Look, there are still questions I want answered. Like... this apartment, or why you quit school or ran away from home, or why you didn't tell any of us, or why your cat has been sleeping on the counter since we started talking -- though to that one I guess it's because it's, uh, a _cat _-- and a bunch of other questions. ... But I guess it can wait. Don't think I'll forget, though! And even if you won't answer right away, there are some things you can't keep secret forever, okay?"

"Just leave already," Kai deadpans, and Takao sticks his tongue out at him in retaliation.

"Fiiiine," Takao relents, and gets up. It's only when he's almost out the door that Kai finally stops him:

"Kinomiya," he says, and Takao turns to look at him questioningly. "... Thank you," Kai finishes, softly.

"What for?" Takao asks.

_Everything_, Kai thinks, _For being you, for accepting me no matter my faults and failings; for making me human even though I never really wanted to be, for everything meeting you has brought me, for how you changed me, for letting me take your hand that day on the ice, for trusting me, for all you've ever done despite your _own_ faults and failings_.

"Just thanks," Kai settles, and though Takao throws him a look, he doesn't expound.

"You're welcome," Takao answers, not without a hint of bemusement. He leaves.

Kai falls back on the futon the second he's sure he won't come back, and thinks:

_I will never be like you, so I'm glad you don't want me to be_.

* * *

O hay what's over in this corner.

Ladies and ... well, I guess it's just ladies; welcome to part 2 of Seeing, which I have been doing instead of working on chapter 5 of Your Own Personal Hell and writing shippy fic I promised Dazzley. ... :D?

Okay! Now for some notes on this. First off, I have to admit I am not particularly proud of Seeing. It was done in one sitting in the middle of the night to early morning with emo music playing in the background while I tried my hand at introspection. I like it, but I'm aware it's completely uncoherent (which I still blame on Kai as his head is still a nightmare) and kind of... faux-drama, as what seems dramatic to me at 5am quite clearly is not always dramatic. Anyway; this piece. ... Regardless of all that, this one is slightly more coherent. Hurray! Second, it's also a bit less... introspective? This one was more of a piece on Kai and Takao's friendship, which I believe I failed horribly considering it... feels far too shippy. I hope that's not too jarring. :( Anyway! Things were still not resolved, because resolving issues is for _sissies_ or people not called Kai Hiwatari. And Takao decided not to be properly confrontational. It's like I have to call Daichi for stuff to happens guys! Gawd. Also, I totally forgot to add the cat ... doing stuff for most of the fic, so Takao handwaved that plothole by saying it fell asleep. I am so clever. I can't think of anything else to say except that Kai always feel not angry enough... Don't worry, though! The next part, whereas Yuriy and Kai interact (because I also want to delve into that friendship~... wow that sounds wrong), will have a few more bits of introspection, this more having to do with the abbey and other related stuff. Kai will rage more, since he will be less... dead. Do you know how hard it is to rage when you see stars? So, _so_ hard. Oh, yeah, I also deliberated long about posting this as another chapter of SiU, but then decided against it as the two pieces, while related (I mean, this is a direct sequel), don't have the same general feeling. Also, I'd like to take this moment to thank everyone who reviewed/read the first part.

Finally! Kai is still not wearing a shirt in this fic. Hey, you try putting a shirt on with your arm in a sling. ;)

Hope you enjoyed it!

-Zia


End file.
